I want it all and I want it now

So, I have to admit that I absolutely love Bethenny Frankel.  I find her funny, entertaining, crazy, and in a way, relatable.  I loved her show (especially since I was pregnant when she was).  I would watch her, willing my tired eyes to stay awake, and relate to her crazy emotions, questions, pregnancy gear, and antics.  Well, she now has a new show about her life as a working mom and wife.  It premiered this week.  Once again, I forced my tired eyes to stay awake (this time I was not pregnant but my lack of sleep is due to an active 5 month old).  She was still her quirky, crazy self and now trying to “have it all.”  The show follows her through mommy-hood, business woman, traveler, wife, and friend.  As I watched her, I thought to myself, is it really possible to have it all when you are a working mom?  Believe me when I say, I am not comparing my career to Bethenny Frankels in the least but, trying to have a thriving career and be a wonderful mother and wife is a lot harder when the money isn’t flowing and the word assistant is not in your vocabulary.

I have been finding myself struggling with mommy guilt lately.  I feel guilty when I am at work and not with my son.  I feel guilty if I am not thinking about my son while at work.  I feel guilty if I plan a girls night or if I am ready for bedtime because I’m tired.  How can a woman really wear every hat?  If I were Bethenny, I would have an assistant, a second assistant, a baby nurse, and a nanny.  This way, if I had a meeting early one morning and my child was up at 2am, I could stay asleep while the baby nurse took the turn.  This wasn’t the case in my house last night when my son thought it was play time at 1:30am.  He made adorable cooing noises for an hour and a half, playing with his feet, and chatting in his crib.  Yes, it was adorable.  What wasn’t adorable was the fact that I had a meeting early this morning and had to get up, get myself together, get him together, get the babysitter bag together, and get out the door at an early hour.  I'll be honest and say that I forgot the diaper bag.  Thankfully, I had left diapers at the babysitters house and I did remember his food so we were in luck.  It isn’t a reality for me to hire help.  It is enough for me to pay the babysitter every month.  I seriously felt jealous of the "working mom" Bethenny this morning when I ran around like a crazy woman.  I barely had time to kiss my son good morning before I was hooking up the carseat and rushing down the road.  When does this guilty feeling subside?  Will I feel like this for the rest of my working life?

I have always been a person who wants to be good (ok really good) at everything she does.  I am not ok with mediocracy.  With this comes stress.  I know I do it to myself.  My husband is constantly telling me that I don’t know how to relax.  Even when I am sitting down on the couch, I am thinking about things I could be doing around the house.  Motherhood is starting to help cure me of this craziness.  Pre B (baby or Brody, take your pick) I wouldn't leave the house until the kitchen and main level were spotless.  There could not be a dish in the sink, a jacket on the banister, or a pillow out of place.  Now, I’m lucky if there is ever an empty sink (how many bottles can one baby go through?!)  I also told myself when Brody was first born that when he was old enough to try baby food, I was going to make all of his food and it was going to be organic.  Well here we are, 5 months in and my son is only on formula and rice cereal (whole grain organic).  The doctor said that I don’t have to worry about fruits and vegetables until he is 6 months if I don’t want to.  The issue is, I really want to introduce baby veggies but I haven’t had the time to make them.  I truly feel like I’m failing if I don’t make him homemade baby food so I am just putting it off until I have time to pull out the Cuisinart and go to town.  I am dreading the day that I give in and go to the baby aisle and stock up on Gerber.  The dilemma is this, is it better for my son to eat homemade organic baby food (that will probably take me at least an hour to concoct one Saturday afternoon) or spend that time precious playing with him?  The mommy guilt continues.

This is hard but knowing that so many women do it and do it well gives me the strength and the encouragement to keep going and to make the most out of every minute with my son.  So, here’s a shout out to all the working moms out there.  I raise my large glass of red wine to you.