Pretty in Porn

Wedding season is officially here and for me, it is jam packed.  We have 7 weddings to attend from now through December and most of these beautiful brides and sexy grooms are our absolute best friends so it is very exciting and special.  Although the actual wedding day is the most important event in the series, the preface to these declorations of love and commitment brings lots of penis, titty tassles, and ridiculous stories in the form of your typical bachelor and bachelorette parties.

This weekend I lived my double life of mommy and hard core porn store attendee.  I spent Saturday morning in the kitchen making organic home made baby food for my son (while nursing a slight hangover from one too many skinny girls with my dear friend Hud Friday night).  The afternoon took a turn for the scandelous when I went shopping for penis peraphanalia.  My absolute bff is my italian twin and she and I can bring out the  crazy in each other so I knew this trip was going to be fun.  We had planned to meet up for fun bachelorette shopping spree for our other bestie and wanted to make sure we got the full experience.  As we walked into the porn shop that was covered up on the windows and had signs stating "Must be 18 to enter" I thought to myself...Where the fuck am I?

We weren't in the shop for 5 seconds when Laur whispered "I'm not mature enough for this."  I couldn't agree more.  There were couples walking around together looking for the best video to set the mood and there we were, laughing at the anal beads and trying to sort through the over priced and over sized dildo's.  They had every type of toy, fantasy mask, and fetish piece you could image.  A few pieces of equipment looked like they was made for lazy people.  Do you really need a $55.00 harness to hold your girls booty in the air for doggy style?  Either use a tie or have your partner arch her back a little more...it's not rocket science.   

 "I mean seriously, it can't feel good if it's THAT big"  "Do you think the pictures of the guys on the box actually have dicks that big?" "Ew, look at this one" "Would you ever use this...?"  "Why, would YOU?"    These questions continued as we toured the tiny shop and then found ourselves in the back where there were booths to "preview" the videos.  I mean seriously, what type of person goes into those semen infested booths and previews the porn?  Just spend the $20 and call it a day.  There were a few bachelorette appropriate items but we weren't really focused on them.  We moved our way over to "guy on guy" section and before I knew what was happening, the bff was taking pictures on her phone of these poses and texting them to my husband and her fiance.  We were laughing hysterically.  Seriously, is this my life?  I am someone's mother. 

We would point to a serious "hanger" and gasp, wondering if that was real.  This went on and on.  The sign said "15 minute limit on browsing" but there was no big enforcer so we continued our shopping spree. 

After we bought a few items, I put the bag in my purse and then opened my big burberry umbrella to race to my mini van and head over to the mall for a lunch of salad and white wine.  Now...Does that last sentence really go with the entire post?  Like I said, I was leading a double life on Saturday and can I just tell you, I had a great time.